The Ending leads to a Beginning...

2010 brought so many things into my life. My best friend got married. I got into clincals. I got to meet amazing people at camp and spend that one last summer as a kid. I started the hardest part of school I will ever have to go through. My little sister in Phi Mu almost died. I remembered what it was like to be lonely. I found an amazing church and have been spiritually struggling. My older sister brought a new memeber into the family. My best friend's mom got cancer and beat it. She found out she was preggers and that her husband was leaving for Iraq. My brother disowned me from his life. I found a boy that I cherished, lost him, and got him back. I have been pushed down, beaten, and walked all over in 2010. Don't get me wrong, God has been so faithful this past year. I will never forget the blessing He has bestowed upon me, but looking back and evaluating my life in the past year, I would have to say the enemy-Satan- won. He won and ruled my life this year. He broke my heart, introduced me to his friends lonliness, doubt, and pity again. Satan made me feel worthless. I believe I am worthless. In 2010, I let people's opinions rule my life, I let people walk all over me and I kept my mouth shut because it was none of my business. I lost the fun in life. I lost the joy in life. I lost my friends. I lost my way. I lost me.
But the beauty about 2010, is that it is over. Although it did bring many things, the best thing it gave me was it's end. And now 2011 is here and holds so many new opportunities. For those reading, this next sentence may seem selfish, and it may be, but sometimes you just need to be selfish. This year, I am not making resolutions or goals or empty promises. This year is about me. This year is going to be my remaking of me. This year will count. I am going to take a journey through my life and make myself a better me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I know this is going to be hard. Probably the hardest thing ever because I only have discipline when it comes to some things like school, or work, but not to myself. I eat what I want, read and watch what I want, and I make excuses for myself. I am simply pathetic. I am luke warm. I have not changed. I know what is wrong in my life. I know that there is emotional baggage I must go through and get rid of, but sometimes it hurts so much, its just easier to let it stay. I know that I am overweight, and not only for my eventually future love life, but also for my health that I need to lose weight. I know that I am not spiritually strong. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. I was even more reminded of that when a friend of mine gave me some letters I wrote him 2 summers ago. Reminders. Of where I was and how I got there and a reminder that I need to be past there, which I am not. This year is about me. Just me. I will not let anyone influence my life that I don't want to. This meaning I will not let your drama bring me down, I will not feel sorry for myself or things I have to do, I will speak my mind and if your feelings get hurt Im sorry but the truth hurts, I will not let meaningless, dumb boys play with my heart and break it, I will not let you walk all over me. This year is about me. I will have an adventure and a roadtrip and fun. This year is going to bring me joy and at the end of it in 363 days I will be sad to see it go. This year is a foundation for the rest of my life. This year is for me.