The Point

You know when you get to that point. Not the woe is me point, but the where the hell and wtf am I doing point? I am there. I am surrounded by it. I am constantly on the move and I forget about things, time, people. Everyhting. At this point, I don't care what I say or do, who I hurt in the process. And that is selfish of me. I act like a jerk and justify it with telling the truth. And the truth of the matter is that I was so those things to hurt you, so that my hurt would feel a little less in the moment. I am fine and ok. I just don't understand myself. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I think I am where God wants me to be, but I don't understand my actions. My actions are ridiculous and uncalled for. I hurt people. I hurt you with words. I am a hurter. And this is not the first time I have done this to a friend. A good friend. A great friend. SO know that you aren't alone. I take my hurt and frustrations out on people I love because it makes them seem further away. Them being further away makes me miss them less and it becomes easier. I know it's a cruel, twisted, and messed up situation. And I realize one day, if I keep doing this. I am going to end up alone. No friends. No family. No lover. Just me.

Valuable Lessons

In the past three days, I have learned several valuable, time tested, and forever lasting lessons. One of my great friends, and sister was very ill and the circumstances did not look pleasing. This scared me because it made me think of the last time we talked, what it was about, and if she knew that I loved her because I might not get that chance again to tell her that. Lesson #1: Say what you mean and never leave on bad terms. Always say you love them because you never know what the Lord is planning. Every second counts. From this I also had to learn another valuable, but more difficult lesson. She was sick, very sick. We didn't know what was going to happen. Lesson #2: As much as you want to hope and pray for God to heal people, what you need to pray for is that no matter what the outcome you must pray for God's will, and His will alone to be done. This is such a hard thing to pray for. In my mind, I want my friend to get better. I want to be able to talk to her again and I want God to provide everything in His power to make that happen. I can enlist every single prayer warrior I know to pray for her and ask God to move mountains to heal her, but if that is not His will, the it just isn't His will. VERY HARD LESSON. And lastly, though these last few days have been emotionally stressful and tiring and though I have tried to give my worry to the Lord, but can't seem to get it off my mind, I was reminded of something. Lesson #3: Always, always, always remember to thank and praise God for whatever outcome happens because in the end it is all part of His perfect, pleasing will. Ciara made it through. She is doing a lot better than she has been and I even got to talk with her. Praise the Lord. But, I hate to think about this, but it's something to be examined. If things would not have turned out for the best, would I have gotten on my knees and praised God and thanked Him for the precious life of hers? For the time I got to spend with her? Or would I have been angry with Him for taking away someone so special from me? I hope that I would get on my knees and lay it all down to the Lord and praise Him regardless of the situation. So right now, I praise God and thank Him for providing healing and that in every situation HIS will be done.

I am a Princess!

I watched a movie tonight called "A Little Princess." I am pretty sure every single girl at some point in their childhood has seen this movie or one very similar to it. The child has everything a girl could want, her father adores her, he "dies", but actually just has amnesia, she goes from riches to rags, she perseveres through the trials of having nothing, and in the end she finds him, he gets his memory back and she is rich again. That's a brief synopsis for you. However, the whole time through her trials, she still tells herself she is a princess. Whether in rags, or riches, young or old or ugly, she is always going to be a princess. I think about this because I forget this concept. I AM A PRINCESS. Me. Amanda. I am a princess. And I deserve nothing less than a prince. I deserve nothing less than the best. Then I am convicted of being a princess. I am God's little princess. He looks to me and sees my beauty. He calls me HIS daughter and LOVES me unconditionally.He makes me HIS princess. And with that He expects me to act like a princess. He expects me to be kind, and gentle. To carry my beauty in a discrete, uplifting manner that catches attention in a good way, not a sexual, sinful way. He expects me to be humble, and ready to serve the needy, to love on the unfortunate, and give to the poor. As a princess, I should be an example. Girls, we are all princesses. We should all hold ourselves to a higher standard. To live in a manner worthy of the gospel, pleasing to the Lord. In our speech, actions, clothes, and every essential part of our life. God has sent us a prince. He had ordained a special man for each and every one of us and until we reach our full potential as the princess we need to be, God will continue to make us wait for Mr. Prince Charming until our hearts and soul our fully consumed by the King. So I am a Princess. Me. Amanda. And it is certainly time that I start acting like one. Because the one who made me a princess and gives me the right to share in such a beautiful life, also has the ability to strip it all away and make me a pauper until I learn the desired lesson of the day. In order to be a princess, you must act like one.