Fat Girl

Everyday we go through life without really realizing what is happening around us. People are constantly on the move and are always changing. No one ever stays the same because change is inevitable. But yet somehow, we grow accustomed to our surrounding and the things that do not ever change about ourselves. We are labeled by each and every person we encounter. Sure, most people try not to be judgmental, but it happens. We are judged mostly by our appearances; perfect teeth, pretty hair, crooked nose, tall, short, hair color, eye color, skin color, good shoes, good handbag, good clothes. All these things are taken into consideration when we first meet someone new, so that we know how to categorize them in our human-o-meter. And frankly it pretty much down right sucks because your past, present, and future are never taken into consideration. Just the way you look. I know when people look at me and judge me they don’t think about what it truly going on. They just see a girl with a problem. They never see it for what it truly is. My name is Amanda LaBorde and I have an eating disorder. My eating disorder is just not what you would normally expect because I am not rail thin and hollowed cheeked. I am actually short, and stumpy, wide hips, huge boobs, no waist. I have a gut and a nice round face. At my biggest, I am 300 pounds. So imagine 300 pounds squished onto a tiny girl of 5’3. Yes, I look like the freaken girl who turned into the blueberry on Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. I have an eating disorder and my eating disorder makes me the fat girl. I have always been the fat girl ever since I could remember. The last time I think I was smaller than a size 16 was when I was six years old and refused to eat anything except peanut butter and jelly. Or it could have been the fact that I had a drug addict mother, who could not buy food and we lived literally on toast bread with butter, powdered eggs and coffee. Everyone has something that makes them stand out, unique in a sense. My thing was being fat. I tried to never let it bother me. I just figured it was a part of me. The fat was a comfort because it let me make excuses. It helped me “keep my focus” or “see who truly likes me as me.” Being fat was always a comfort to me, until one day it just stopped being okay. I can not really explain to you what happened, where the transition took place. It could have been when I ate Sonic for the third time that day and was one my third Route 44 sweet tea, or maybe it was when I was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror at every stretch mark on my body before getting into the shower. Being able to see the years of damage that you have done to your body reflected back in a mirror is truly heart wrenching. Maybe it was the day my father told me,” Babe, you’re really beautiful and smart, but I think if you were to just lose a few pounds the boys would like you more. And I say that because I love you, not to hurt your feelings. And I hate to say it, but I have always been glad that you were a little bigger than the rest of the girls because it made you focus on school. You didn’t have any distractions. But now, I think if you just got skinny you would be happier and maybe you would find someone to love you.” Ouch. That one hurt a little. I never chose to be fat. I just always was. I didn’t wake up one morning and think today will be the day I take my fatness to its limit. It’s just always been there. I guess I should really just start at the beginning and tell you how the fatness came about and why I never felt the need to change it. I think my story is worth telling because it is a journey that many people are struggling through every day. You see, we judge people right away without knowing and we write them off without caring. My fatness is years of self hatred and loathing. My fatness is a way to hide the emotional damage done to me. It is my safety net because if I am fat, then no one can hurt me except for myself. I know people judge me and categorize me as fat. But, I honestly think being fat is a disease just like anorexia or bulimia. I am fat. I use food in an unhealthy way and I am equally killing myself just as quickly and as badly as if I had an eating disorder that made me stick thin. My journey is one of self discovery and one of learning to be okay with the body that is mine. Each pound gained or lost is a moment when my life could change or end. That one choice between eating a salad or going get the double bacon cheeseburger, could be the deciding factor between living until I’m 60 or living till I am 90. We only get one life and we have to live it right. And while I was never disappointed or scared to be the fat girl, I am more scared to not try to be the healthy girl. I guess you could say I could describe fat as my friend. I shall call her Fat and Fat she shall be! Fat is just like any other friend. She hangs around in your good times and bad times, will always come back and tell you the truth about how you look in a certain pair of jeans, and most of all comes with a set of problems all on her own. Sometimes you can get just so sick of Fat and her problems and so you push her away or ignore her, but the problems never get better. Until you sit down face to face with her and address her, you will never be able to truly fix what’s wrong underneath. Above all of that, Fat comes with mutual acquaintances. When you get Fat, you also get to meet up at some point with her cousin Depression, her sister Loneliness, and of course her ultimate bff self doubt. Being fat isn’t just a life choice or a health issue. There is so much more that goes into. My own personal fatness is due to a series of things that include depression, self doubt, and being alone. Most of the time what happens is I am feeling great about myself. I feel great, I think I look amazing and something happens. A fight with a friend, a loss of someone I thought liked me, but only turned out to be a friend, a bad freaking hair day and the cycle starts. I just start to feel icky about myself. I pick at the little things. My shirt doesn’t look quite right or my makeup is crappy and I turn on my self. The self doubt of being good enough sets in. You aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough and you sure as hell aren’t skinny enough to get any man to love you. Ouch. Can you really imagine someone thinking these things to themselves. I sure do. Then here wanders in the Loneliness. When you hate yourself and doubt yourself, you don’t want to be around anyone. You want to sit and be alone and let the hatred run down into your soul. Wait, let me rephrase that, it isn’t something you want, it just happens. The darkness starts off little, and it slowly run down your body until you don’t even feel worthy enough to be around people. You have to be alone. All by yourself. In a room. In the car. Being around people starts to bring on a greater challenge. It becomes a hassle and an inconvenience. And that is when full on depression mod comes in. You only do what you have to do. You don’t care about anything else except for laying in bed and sleeping the day away. It’s different for certain people. I cope by eating. When I get depressed I go straight for the chocolate and the diet coke. I also hit up the nearest fast food joint for fried food such as cheese sticks, jalepeno poppers and onion rings and finish it all off with a pizza and pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is true, I really have consumed all of that in one sitting, after one bad day. It is usually accompanied by a sappy love story, or an awesome hit series with pretty girls and fake movie drama that makes me wish it were my life. How pathetic right? But that is truly how being fat is. The eating, loneliness, self doubt and ultimate depression are all linked together. There is no one aspect that is particular to being fat. It isn’t just about not eating right or not exercising enough. It’s more than that and I honestly think people fail to realize most of this. Now I don't tell you all of this to make you feel sorry for me. I tell you this because I hope you realize that there is more to a person. One wrong word or sentiment and you could be the wrong jenga piece pulled and the tower falling down. Always take care to love and encourage one another no matter the situation. Always be honest, but remember to use a little oil in your vinegar. I am trying to make a change. A hard change. Like I said before, I don't want to be the fat girl anymore, but at this point, I'm not sure if I'll ever be the skinny girl. So instead I'll try for the healthy girl and in the process and through the trials, I will learn to love this girl. And I will be a better me.