Today, Tomorrow, Forever

Tonight is my last night, here in this house. Here at this place that I call home. Tomorrow I become an adult that will drive to a new, unknown city and unpack HER truck into HER new apartment. I will have to make new friends, while staying in touch with the oldie, but the good ones. I will start a brand new job/internship that will determine if I chose the right path in life. If I followed the Lord's directions well enough. Tomorrow is a BIG day. And the more I think about it, the more excited, nervous, and scared I get. Sometimes I get a little panicky and start to have heart palpitations, but that's normal...Right? Growing up and being an adult and being responsible is the scariest thing. Maybe the only thing scarier is having kids. However, I am stuck on today. Today. Today I packed everything..again. Then I debated on what I should do about this boy that has been lingering in the last few posts. I wrote him a song...I recorded that song with my friend Taylor..I posted it on facebook. Then I was again reminded that he will still have no idea its for him or about him unless I tell him. Well Crap. I was trying to avoid this. That embarassing, sixth grade I like you do you like me drama feeling. Crap Crap Crap. So what do I do? I send him a message that says go watch this video of me and Tay..oh and btw I wrote that song for you. I never expected anything and I know you are old fashioned and I am not an Office quoter so this was the best I could do. Hope you enjoy it. Haha. Im laughing at myself. Maybe it is good that I am going to be about 500 miles away tomorrow when he finally gets that message and watches the video. Maybe being 500 miles away might be the worst thing too. In the end, I just want to say to him in the words of Taylor Swift, " I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you chose, all those other girls..well they're beauitful, but would they write, sing, and record a song for you.?"

My First Date

Okay so I am 21 years old and through the battles of high school with prom and such and even through my 4 years of college, not once was I ever asked out on a legitimate date. Now don't get me wrong, I have been on "dates". You know the kind where that person is like a last resort and you have to make a good impression with the parentals..yep Ive been that person..or the friend date where you just want someone to go with so you just agree to go and split all costs or go stag. ATTENTION PLEASE: That is not a real date! But I have been that girl too. So for me to be 21 and never have a date, well it's a little disheartening. Like what in the world am I doing that is not catching the attention of a guy that thinks I am worthy of his time? That is a lot to deal with. However, a good friend of mine took me out on my very first date this past Friday night. He said that he wanted to do it because he appreciated me. And even though neither one of us is romantically interested in each other, we had the BEST time. He took me to dinner and a movie and paid. He called me sweetheart and doll (thats the country boy in him coming out) and was just a gentleman. It was nice to be treated like a girl and have my doors opened and someone to just think more of me because he appreciates me and wanted to do something nice. So thank you for making my true, very frist date the most amazing, and unforgettable. I appreciate it so much!

Notice Me...

My heart is heavy. This struggle is so great right now, but it will all be over in 2 weeks. Just 2 weeks and everything that I am struggling with will be out of the way. My true question is if I want it to be out of the way. I don't understand how God can put so many special people in your life, but only for a short period of time. How am I suppose to properly love on them or impact them in 4 weeks? How is he suppose to get the hint in 4 weeks? I know that if it is meant to be then the Lord will provide a way, He will cross our paths again. I think the hardest thing to do is to lay all your wants, need, and every desire of your heart down at the foot of the cross and turn your back and walk away knowing and having to rely on every ounce of your faith to expect that God will provide and fufill every one of those things according to His will and in His perfect timing. That's a lot to give over and handle all at once. Dear Lord, here is my heavy heart. I do not and can not fathom your greatness. Have fun dealing with that stupid organ that has ridiculous emotions. Love, Amanda. That is the note that I will attach when I lay it down at His feet because in the end, I know that I am not in control. I can not be in control because if I were really in control, I would be in deep trouble. So it's terribly hard for me in this struggle because right now I am in a place where I have some pretty amazing friends that are there for me and love me unconditionally. In this place, I have something that I have never had before and I don't really have him...but, he surprises me everyday. To him, I would say Dear Boy, Here is your hint. Please notice me as more than awesome or rocking because I help you out and do what any good person should do. Notice me because you want to and because you really think I rock and that I'm awesome. Not because I help. Love, Amanda p.S. I think you are pretty awesome and amazing yourself.

Stealing My Heart....

So today as I lifeguarded in the rain for 2 hours I realized that each and every child in the pool, I knew. And then I also realized that I haven't seen any of these kids in 2 years. 2 years ago I met these kids and one little boy in particular named Madden. When I met him he was 4 years old and just the sweetest, yet shyest thing ever. He stole my heart in one day. At the end of that week two years ago, he came to the office and gave me a hug and told me bye. I cried just a little. How could I love someone I met 5 days before hand so much. And today as I was lifeguarding, I notice his dad standing by the pool and immediately I scanned the pool until I found him. He is just the same except he is now half my height, and has broken out of his shell. It made me happy to see him again and even though he didn't remember me..it didn't matter at all about those things. To be able to come back and see how he has grown made me joyful. It's funny how I gave my heart away 2 years ago to a 4 year old little boy that was beyond precious and how even to this day I struggle with keeping my heart guarded. When it comes to boys in general, I like to offer up my heart on a serving platter. And at the point I'm at now I could give this guy all of my heart and not thing twice or even regret it. How do I guard my heart? How do I let him in without giving everything away or pushing him completely out of my life? I guess only time will tell with this guy and hopefully I'll get out with my heart fully intact.