Fat Girl

Everyday we go through life without really realizing what is happening around us. People are constantly on the move and are always changing. No one ever stays the same because change is inevitable. But yet somehow, we grow accustomed to our surrounding and the things that do not ever change about ourselves. We are labeled by each and every person we encounter. Sure, most people try not to be judgmental, but it happens. We are judged mostly by our appearances; perfect teeth, pretty hair, crooked nose, tall, short, hair color, eye color, skin color, good shoes, good handbag, good clothes. All these things are taken into consideration when we first meet someone new, so that we know how to categorize them in our human-o-meter. And frankly it pretty much down right sucks because your past, present, and future are never taken into consideration. Just the way you look. I know when people look at me and judge me they don’t think about what it truly going on. They just see a girl with a problem. They never see it for what it truly is. My name is Amanda LaBorde and I have an eating disorder. My eating disorder is just not what you would normally expect because I am not rail thin and hollowed cheeked. I am actually short, and stumpy, wide hips, huge boobs, no waist. I have a gut and a nice round face. At my biggest, I am 300 pounds. So imagine 300 pounds squished onto a tiny girl of 5’3. Yes, I look like the freaken girl who turned into the blueberry on Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. I have an eating disorder and my eating disorder makes me the fat girl. I have always been the fat girl ever since I could remember. The last time I think I was smaller than a size 16 was when I was six years old and refused to eat anything except peanut butter and jelly. Or it could have been the fact that I had a drug addict mother, who could not buy food and we lived literally on toast bread with butter, powdered eggs and coffee. Everyone has something that makes them stand out, unique in a sense. My thing was being fat. I tried to never let it bother me. I just figured it was a part of me. The fat was a comfort because it let me make excuses. It helped me “keep my focus” or “see who truly likes me as me.” Being fat was always a comfort to me, until one day it just stopped being okay. I can not really explain to you what happened, where the transition took place. It could have been when I ate Sonic for the third time that day and was one my third Route 44 sweet tea, or maybe it was when I was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror at every stretch mark on my body before getting into the shower. Being able to see the years of damage that you have done to your body reflected back in a mirror is truly heart wrenching. Maybe it was the day my father told me,” Babe, you’re really beautiful and smart, but I think if you were to just lose a few pounds the boys would like you more. And I say that because I love you, not to hurt your feelings. And I hate to say it, but I have always been glad that you were a little bigger than the rest of the girls because it made you focus on school. You didn’t have any distractions. But now, I think if you just got skinny you would be happier and maybe you would find someone to love you.” Ouch. That one hurt a little. I never chose to be fat. I just always was. I didn’t wake up one morning and think today will be the day I take my fatness to its limit. It’s just always been there. I guess I should really just start at the beginning and tell you how the fatness came about and why I never felt the need to change it. I think my story is worth telling because it is a journey that many people are struggling through every day. You see, we judge people right away without knowing and we write them off without caring. My fatness is years of self hatred and loathing. My fatness is a way to hide the emotional damage done to me. It is my safety net because if I am fat, then no one can hurt me except for myself. I know people judge me and categorize me as fat. But, I honestly think being fat is a disease just like anorexia or bulimia. I am fat. I use food in an unhealthy way and I am equally killing myself just as quickly and as badly as if I had an eating disorder that made me stick thin. My journey is one of self discovery and one of learning to be okay with the body that is mine. Each pound gained or lost is a moment when my life could change or end. That one choice between eating a salad or going get the double bacon cheeseburger, could be the deciding factor between living until I’m 60 or living till I am 90. We only get one life and we have to live it right. And while I was never disappointed or scared to be the fat girl, I am more scared to not try to be the healthy girl. I guess you could say I could describe fat as my friend. I shall call her Fat and Fat she shall be! Fat is just like any other friend. She hangs around in your good times and bad times, will always come back and tell you the truth about how you look in a certain pair of jeans, and most of all comes with a set of problems all on her own. Sometimes you can get just so sick of Fat and her problems and so you push her away or ignore her, but the problems never get better. Until you sit down face to face with her and address her, you will never be able to truly fix what’s wrong underneath. Above all of that, Fat comes with mutual acquaintances. When you get Fat, you also get to meet up at some point with her cousin Depression, her sister Loneliness, and of course her ultimate bff self doubt. Being fat isn’t just a life choice or a health issue. There is so much more that goes into. My own personal fatness is due to a series of things that include depression, self doubt, and being alone. Most of the time what happens is I am feeling great about myself. I feel great, I think I look amazing and something happens. A fight with a friend, a loss of someone I thought liked me, but only turned out to be a friend, a bad freaking hair day and the cycle starts. I just start to feel icky about myself. I pick at the little things. My shirt doesn’t look quite right or my makeup is crappy and I turn on my self. The self doubt of being good enough sets in. You aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t smart enough and you sure as hell aren’t skinny enough to get any man to love you. Ouch. Can you really imagine someone thinking these things to themselves. I sure do. Then here wanders in the Loneliness. When you hate yourself and doubt yourself, you don’t want to be around anyone. You want to sit and be alone and let the hatred run down into your soul. Wait, let me rephrase that, it isn’t something you want, it just happens. The darkness starts off little, and it slowly run down your body until you don’t even feel worthy enough to be around people. You have to be alone. All by yourself. In a room. In the car. Being around people starts to bring on a greater challenge. It becomes a hassle and an inconvenience. And that is when full on depression mod comes in. You only do what you have to do. You don’t care about anything else except for laying in bed and sleeping the day away. It’s different for certain people. I cope by eating. When I get depressed I go straight for the chocolate and the diet coke. I also hit up the nearest fast food joint for fried food such as cheese sticks, jalepeno poppers and onion rings and finish it all off with a pizza and pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is true, I really have consumed all of that in one sitting, after one bad day. It is usually accompanied by a sappy love story, or an awesome hit series with pretty girls and fake movie drama that makes me wish it were my life. How pathetic right? But that is truly how being fat is. The eating, loneliness, self doubt and ultimate depression are all linked together. There is no one aspect that is particular to being fat. It isn’t just about not eating right or not exercising enough. It’s more than that and I honestly think people fail to realize most of this. Now I don't tell you all of this to make you feel sorry for me. I tell you this because I hope you realize that there is more to a person. One wrong word or sentiment and you could be the wrong jenga piece pulled and the tower falling down. Always take care to love and encourage one another no matter the situation. Always be honest, but remember to use a little oil in your vinegar. I am trying to make a change. A hard change. Like I said before, I don't want to be the fat girl anymore, but at this point, I'm not sure if I'll ever be the skinny girl. So instead I'll try for the healthy girl and in the process and through the trials, I will learn to love this girl. And I will be a better me.

BAHHHHHH!!!

I know, I know, that title is somewhat scary and you are probably saying what the Heck?! Well, that is the only way to describe my life at the moment. In a high pitched, kind of frantic, yet excited beyond all belief scream. BAHHHH! Things are going sooo sooo sooo sooo sooo quick that I can't even keep everything striaght. BTW I am at work updating this because work seems to be my only down time at the moment. Ok so update in the life of me....

I officially have a job at Glenwood Regional Medical Center in West Monroe, LA. Exciting! YES! The HR lady had me fill out paperwork and handed me a health benefits packet and I was like what? What is this thing you call health insurance HAHA! This past Friday I suscessfully graduated from my clincal program...top in my class...and this next week will be filled with lots and lots of studying for literally hours on end because I will be sitting for my Board exams to get my Medical License at the end of the week! YESH! I am so nervous! However, I so cannot wait to have that white coat that says, Amanda LaBorde, MLS (ASCP)! Woop!

In pageant news, we are a clear 7 days away! Another AHHH!! This experience is going to come and go so quickly and I am so ready for it! I will be the next Miss Plus America Elite. So after my board exam, my weekend will be filled with volunteering at a local pageant and practing my walk until my feet fall off! I am so ready for this experience and the changes it is going to bring into my life. Even if I don't win, this will change me as a person and I CANNOT wait! I have my wardrobe all ready. I just need to pratice pratice practice.

This past weekend, I was priviledge to attend the Miss Louisiana Organization pageant. Congrats to Hope Anderson, Miss Spirit of Ruston, who is now Miss Louisiana 2011. She will go on to represent LA in the Miss America Pageant in January! Best of Luck! And I am so proud of all my girls who competed in this weekend though! Christiana Hayward, Becca Price, and Nicole Fairburn, you all truly did an amazing job and blew me away! You inspire me to do better and work harder because I know how hard each and every single one of you worked for this and you all are winners in my book! Thank you for supporting me in my dream and I hope that you don't give up on yours!

Okay, so I think that is it. I am almost fully moved to Monroe and living with the wonderful Mary Carlton! She is an amazing person and I am so excited to spend this time of our lives growing and learning just about life with each other! It is truly a God thing, so I know there is a good lesson for us to learn from each other from it! Keep coming back for more! I'll keep you up to date on all the pageant news!

Here and Now

I am living in the here and now. The future is always ever present and coming full force at me. Things consistenly are being dropped on my shoulders. Things go wrong, they go right, they make sense, they leave me confused. People are moving in and out of my life. Some are suppose to always be there and some just never belonged. Then there is that person who loves you and gives you everything and would change time after time for you and somehow it scares me that there is someone like that for me and it makes me uneasy because I am so young and even the thought of Love, give me the heebie jeebies. In 3 weeks, I will be graduating, moving to a new city, starting a new job, competing for a National title that is going to change my life regardless of if I win or not and thinking about anything else at the moment scares me. I am so young. I haven't even lived yet. Not. even. close. So I am at a stuck point. You make me happy. You put up with a lot. You are slowly falling in love with me. But I don't know if I can reciprocate that right now. I am still trying to find me. I am still making memories. I'm not ready for you. I'll do whatever it takes to make it right. I am living in the here and now and I don't know if there is room for you.

So Much!!

Oh man, so much has happened! First off, I only have 5 weeks of clincals left! Praise Jesus it is almost over! It has been a trying year, but I am so ready to have an adult job and an adult schedule and make the adult money! The adult bills can kinda hold off, but I know those will come as well. This May is a huge closing of so many chapters in so many parts of my life. The last class of people that I was ever really close with at Tech are graduating. Heck, I'm graduating in the summer. My friend's are getting married and being adults. We are all changing. And somehow it's so okay.

In other news, I have made a decision to compete in a beauty pageant for Fun sized girls. I was Miss Shreveport Plus America, and with that title I got to go compete at state. First off, I met some of the most amazing, Christ centered, encouraging women ever! I have gained a multitude of mentors and people have helped me grow into my skin like none other. And with this enormous growing, I was crowned Miss Louisiana Plus America! What an opportunity I have to represent a wonderful state that I have grown up in. Louisiana is such a part of me! And now I get to go and be a representative at the National pageant. I mean this is like Miss America, but for plus size girls! Things are crazy and I am just so honored to have this opportunity. God is good. He is faithful and in control. So He leaves me with nothing to worry about. And so I am content and just trying to live for His glory alone.

The Ending leads to a Beginning...

2010 brought so many things into my life. My best friend got married. I got into clincals. I got to meet amazing people at camp and spend that one last summer as a kid. I started the hardest part of school I will ever have to go through. My little sister in Phi Mu almost died. I remembered what it was like to be lonely. I found an amazing church and have been spiritually struggling. My older sister brought a new memeber into the family. My best friend's mom got cancer and beat it. She found out she was preggers and that her husband was leaving for Iraq. My brother disowned me from his life. I found a boy that I cherished, lost him, and got him back. I have been pushed down, beaten, and walked all over in 2010. Don't get me wrong, God has been so faithful this past year. I will never forget the blessing He has bestowed upon me, but looking back and evaluating my life in the past year, I would have to say the enemy-Satan- won. He won and ruled my life this year. He broke my heart, introduced me to his friends lonliness, doubt, and pity again. Satan made me feel worthless. I believe I am worthless. In 2010, I let people's opinions rule my life, I let people walk all over me and I kept my mouth shut because it was none of my business. I lost the fun in life. I lost the joy in life. I lost my friends. I lost my way. I lost me.
But the beauty about 2010, is that it is over. Although it did bring many things, the best thing it gave me was it's end. And now 2011 is here and holds so many new opportunities. For those reading, this next sentence may seem selfish, and it may be, but sometimes you just need to be selfish. This year, I am not making resolutions or goals or empty promises. This year is about me. This year is going to be my remaking of me. This year will count. I am going to take a journey through my life and make myself a better me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I know this is going to be hard. Probably the hardest thing ever because I only have discipline when it comes to some things like school, or work, but not to myself. I eat what I want, read and watch what I want, and I make excuses for myself. I am simply pathetic. I am luke warm. I have not changed. I know what is wrong in my life. I know that there is emotional baggage I must go through and get rid of, but sometimes it hurts so much, its just easier to let it stay. I know that I am overweight, and not only for my eventually future love life, but also for my health that I need to lose weight. I know that I am not spiritually strong. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. I was even more reminded of that when a friend of mine gave me some letters I wrote him 2 summers ago. Reminders. Of where I was and how I got there and a reminder that I need to be past there, which I am not. This year is about me. Just me. I will not let anyone influence my life that I don't want to. This meaning I will not let your drama bring me down, I will not feel sorry for myself or things I have to do, I will speak my mind and if your feelings get hurt Im sorry but the truth hurts, I will not let meaningless, dumb boys play with my heart and break it, I will not let you walk all over me. This year is about me. I will have an adventure and a roadtrip and fun. This year is going to bring me joy and at the end of it in 363 days I will be sad to see it go. This year is a foundation for the rest of my life. This year is for me.

Falling and Breaking

I look around me and I see all the wonderful things God has provided for me. One of the best interships around, an amazing, affordable apartment, a wonderful supportive family, great new friends as well as old ones who want to see me succeed, and here I am taking it all for granted. It's like I am throwing an F You at God and His gifts by saying I dont care. I just dont give a damn what so ever today or yesterday. But I want to care. I want to feel that relationship. I want to feel that bond with the Lord again. I want His joy flowing through my veins and His happiness to more than enough and for Him to be everything that I need. My heart is so dicontented right now and I dont know why. Do I need to move 1000 miles away from everyone and everything that I know to find myself in God and to be strong in Him. I mean come on, why do I fall foolishly into these little traps that Satan sets for me, knowing that things are not going to end in the most Godly way? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why is my heart so discontent Lord? I call to you and ask you to send me a sign. Send me an answer Lord to this struggle. WHy can't I be satisfied in you alone? I know that you alone are God and you are great and everything I need. I know that. I know it in my heart and in my head, but why O God can I not live it out? Why am I still selfish and discontent? Why do I long for something more when all I need is You? Lord I ask you to search me, search the depths of my soul and bring to light what is good and what I need to strip away. What needs to go in my life so that I can focus on you and your will alone. Help me O God. Search me and know my ways and anxious thoughts. Purify this unclean soul that has betrayed you again. Make me whole and yours alone.

I Will Wait For Your Glory

My friend Lydia Stebbins wrote this song. It's a beautiful reminder for single girls who have friends that are getting engaged every single day. I always listen to it. I have it memorized. Hope you like it! This is the link to get to it! http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/video/video.php?v=582995296088