Falling and Breaking

I look around me and I see all the wonderful things God has provided for me. One of the best interships around, an amazing, affordable apartment, a wonderful supportive family, great new friends as well as old ones who want to see me succeed, and here I am taking it all for granted. It's like I am throwing an F You at God and His gifts by saying I dont care. I just dont give a damn what so ever today or yesterday. But I want to care. I want to feel that relationship. I want to feel that bond with the Lord again. I want His joy flowing through my veins and His happiness to more than enough and for Him to be everything that I need. My heart is so dicontented right now and I dont know why. Do I need to move 1000 miles away from everyone and everything that I know to find myself in God and to be strong in Him. I mean come on, why do I fall foolishly into these little traps that Satan sets for me, knowing that things are not going to end in the most Godly way? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why is my heart so discontent Lord? I call to you and ask you to send me a sign. Send me an answer Lord to this struggle. WHy can't I be satisfied in you alone? I know that you alone are God and you are great and everything I need. I know that. I know it in my heart and in my head, but why O God can I not live it out? Why am I still selfish and discontent? Why do I long for something more when all I need is You? Lord I ask you to search me, search the depths of my soul and bring to light what is good and what I need to strip away. What needs to go in my life so that I can focus on you and your will alone. Help me O God. Search me and know my ways and anxious thoughts. Purify this unclean soul that has betrayed you again. Make me whole and yours alone.

I Will Wait For Your Glory

My friend Lydia Stebbins wrote this song. It's a beautiful reminder for single girls who have friends that are getting engaged every single day. I always listen to it. I have it memorized. Hope you like it! This is the link to get to it! http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/video/video.php?v=582995296088

Defined or Destroyed...

Today I realized that I am in a storm. Imagine that, 5 years after Hurricane Katrina, and I am still battling a storm of my own. I have this internal struggle in me going on for something and I don't know what it is. I don't know if I am struggling with the fact that I am not doing as well I should be doing in school, or if it's the fact that I just want to be finished and back with the people that know me best. I always say that I adapt well to change, but I only seem to adapt well when I have someone to stand there beside me and face it with me. And right now I don't have that. All I have is me. And then I am wrong again. Because more than anything I have Jesus standing there with his hand open telling me Come on, I'll lead you and it will be ok my child. My storm of loneliness and not being able to find myself in the craziness of it all is grabbing a hold to my soul and if I don't fight for myself, then it will destroy me. I will let the world win out and get the best of me. I am not a quitter. I will not be destroyed. But rather, I will learn from my circumstances. I will make time to have friends and to adjust to life here. I will find comfort and courage and strength in my Lord that leads me. I look around and think that I am lonely, but really I have people everywhere. I just need to reach out to them, so that they will reach out to me too. Sometimes you have to take the first step in things. If you wait on other people to do everything for you, then I would spend my whole life waiting on someone else. The Lord will see me through this storm, and when I reach the other side, I will be a new person. I will have a new definiton to add to me. I will be right where God is leading me. And until then, I will just put my head down, stick my shoulder out and continue to push through the storm.

Meeting Me Where I'm At

I don't know if any of you had to experience the difficult task of finding a new home church in a new place, where you know NO ONE. It is not the easiest thing to do. And when you go looking for this church, sometimes you just know that it is not the right one. Like the one's where you feel like you are violating some cardinal rule when the music turns on and everyone is raising there hands just because, not because they feel a need to raise their hands and worship, but just because and then you get that weird feeling because you don't feel the need to put up your hands, your hands, but if you don't you may be the next burnt offering to them. Yea, that is not a great feeling. There are many other situations out there as well. The sitting alone and NO ONE, not a soul is talking to you. Hmm..that doesn't seem real Godly to me. So when you get to that church where people greet you and are excited to have you there, that bring their friends over to meet you, even if it is the church old, blue haired lady population, you feel a sense of calm. And then the music starts, and you feel and hear the people around you praising the same God as you in a worthy manner because they truly mean it, not because the person next to them is doing it too and then someone prays. Let me say you can truly tell a lot about someone's heart from the way they pray. I have found a place that calls to my soul. Their belief is that they are real people, with real problems, seeking after a real GOD. They come into church just as they are and they lay everything down at the foot of the cross then and there. They truly believe in reaching out to the lost and growing and building each other up spiritually. They are a passionate church who inspires me. The words that are taught challenge me and make me want to do better. To be better. To live up to my name as a believer in Jesus Christ. The passion this church has floods over and renews and fills my soul and sets a fire in my heart. This church is more than I could have ever asked God for, yet He once again provided exactly what I needed. He found me a place that is going to meet me exactly where I am in life. He is my great provider and He is going to lead me to serve and do AMAZING things with this church! Continue to pray! He will always provide whatever you need!

The Point

You know when you get to that point. Not the woe is me point, but the where the hell and wtf am I doing point? I am there. I am surrounded by it. I am constantly on the move and I forget about things, time, people. Everyhting. At this point, I don't care what I say or do, who I hurt in the process. And that is selfish of me. I act like a jerk and justify it with telling the truth. And the truth of the matter is that I was so those things to hurt you, so that my hurt would feel a little less in the moment. I am fine and ok. I just don't understand myself. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I think I am where God wants me to be, but I don't understand my actions. My actions are ridiculous and uncalled for. I hurt people. I hurt you with words. I am a hurter. And this is not the first time I have done this to a friend. A good friend. A great friend. SO know that you aren't alone. I take my hurt and frustrations out on people I love because it makes them seem further away. Them being further away makes me miss them less and it becomes easier. I know it's a cruel, twisted, and messed up situation. And I realize one day, if I keep doing this. I am going to end up alone. No friends. No family. No lover. Just me.

Valuable Lessons

In the past three days, I have learned several valuable, time tested, and forever lasting lessons. One of my great friends, and sister was very ill and the circumstances did not look pleasing. This scared me because it made me think of the last time we talked, what it was about, and if she knew that I loved her because I might not get that chance again to tell her that. Lesson #1: Say what you mean and never leave on bad terms. Always say you love them because you never know what the Lord is planning. Every second counts. From this I also had to learn another valuable, but more difficult lesson. She was sick, very sick. We didn't know what was going to happen. Lesson #2: As much as you want to hope and pray for God to heal people, what you need to pray for is that no matter what the outcome you must pray for God's will, and His will alone to be done. This is such a hard thing to pray for. In my mind, I want my friend to get better. I want to be able to talk to her again and I want God to provide everything in His power to make that happen. I can enlist every single prayer warrior I know to pray for her and ask God to move mountains to heal her, but if that is not His will, the it just isn't His will. VERY HARD LESSON. And lastly, though these last few days have been emotionally stressful and tiring and though I have tried to give my worry to the Lord, but can't seem to get it off my mind, I was reminded of something. Lesson #3: Always, always, always remember to thank and praise God for whatever outcome happens because in the end it is all part of His perfect, pleasing will. Ciara made it through. She is doing a lot better than she has been and I even got to talk with her. Praise the Lord. But, I hate to think about this, but it's something to be examined. If things would not have turned out for the best, would I have gotten on my knees and praised God and thanked Him for the precious life of hers? For the time I got to spend with her? Or would I have been angry with Him for taking away someone so special from me? I hope that I would get on my knees and lay it all down to the Lord and praise Him regardless of the situation. So right now, I praise God and thank Him for providing healing and that in every situation HIS will be done.

I am a Princess!

I watched a movie tonight called "A Little Princess." I am pretty sure every single girl at some point in their childhood has seen this movie or one very similar to it. The child has everything a girl could want, her father adores her, he "dies", but actually just has amnesia, she goes from riches to rags, she perseveres through the trials of having nothing, and in the end she finds him, he gets his memory back and she is rich again. That's a brief synopsis for you. However, the whole time through her trials, she still tells herself she is a princess. Whether in rags, or riches, young or old or ugly, she is always going to be a princess. I think about this because I forget this concept. I AM A PRINCESS. Me. Amanda. I am a princess. And I deserve nothing less than a prince. I deserve nothing less than the best. Then I am convicted of being a princess. I am God's little princess. He looks to me and sees my beauty. He calls me HIS daughter and LOVES me unconditionally.He makes me HIS princess. And with that He expects me to act like a princess. He expects me to be kind, and gentle. To carry my beauty in a discrete, uplifting manner that catches attention in a good way, not a sexual, sinful way. He expects me to be humble, and ready to serve the needy, to love on the unfortunate, and give to the poor. As a princess, I should be an example. Girls, we are all princesses. We should all hold ourselves to a higher standard. To live in a manner worthy of the gospel, pleasing to the Lord. In our speech, actions, clothes, and every essential part of our life. God has sent us a prince. He had ordained a special man for each and every one of us and until we reach our full potential as the princess we need to be, God will continue to make us wait for Mr. Prince Charming until our hearts and soul our fully consumed by the King. So I am a Princess. Me. Amanda. And it is certainly time that I start acting like one. Because the one who made me a princess and gives me the right to share in such a beautiful life, also has the ability to strip it all away and make me a pauper until I learn the desired lesson of the day. In order to be a princess, you must act like one.

Today, Tomorrow, Forever

Tonight is my last night, here in this house. Here at this place that I call home. Tomorrow I become an adult that will drive to a new, unknown city and unpack HER truck into HER new apartment. I will have to make new friends, while staying in touch with the oldie, but the good ones. I will start a brand new job/internship that will determine if I chose the right path in life. If I followed the Lord's directions well enough. Tomorrow is a BIG day. And the more I think about it, the more excited, nervous, and scared I get. Sometimes I get a little panicky and start to have heart palpitations, but that's normal...Right? Growing up and being an adult and being responsible is the scariest thing. Maybe the only thing scarier is having kids. However, I am stuck on today. Today. Today I packed everything..again. Then I debated on what I should do about this boy that has been lingering in the last few posts. I wrote him a song...I recorded that song with my friend Taylor..I posted it on facebook. Then I was again reminded that he will still have no idea its for him or about him unless I tell him. Well Crap. I was trying to avoid this. That embarassing, sixth grade I like you do you like me drama feeling. Crap Crap Crap. So what do I do? I send him a message that says go watch this video of me and Tay..oh and btw I wrote that song for you. I never expected anything and I know you are old fashioned and I am not an Office quoter so this was the best I could do. Hope you enjoy it. Haha. Im laughing at myself. Maybe it is good that I am going to be about 500 miles away tomorrow when he finally gets that message and watches the video. Maybe being 500 miles away might be the worst thing too. In the end, I just want to say to him in the words of Taylor Swift, " I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you chose, all those other girls..well they're beauitful, but would they write, sing, and record a song for you.?"

My First Date

Okay so I am 21 years old and through the battles of high school with prom and such and even through my 4 years of college, not once was I ever asked out on a legitimate date. Now don't get me wrong, I have been on "dates". You know the kind where that person is like a last resort and you have to make a good impression with the parentals..yep Ive been that person..or the friend date where you just want someone to go with so you just agree to go and split all costs or go stag. ATTENTION PLEASE: That is not a real date! But I have been that girl too. So for me to be 21 and never have a date, well it's a little disheartening. Like what in the world am I doing that is not catching the attention of a guy that thinks I am worthy of his time? That is a lot to deal with. However, a good friend of mine took me out on my very first date this past Friday night. He said that he wanted to do it because he appreciated me. And even though neither one of us is romantically interested in each other, we had the BEST time. He took me to dinner and a movie and paid. He called me sweetheart and doll (thats the country boy in him coming out) and was just a gentleman. It was nice to be treated like a girl and have my doors opened and someone to just think more of me because he appreciates me and wanted to do something nice. So thank you for making my true, very frist date the most amazing, and unforgettable. I appreciate it so much!

Notice Me...

My heart is heavy. This struggle is so great right now, but it will all be over in 2 weeks. Just 2 weeks and everything that I am struggling with will be out of the way. My true question is if I want it to be out of the way. I don't understand how God can put so many special people in your life, but only for a short period of time. How am I suppose to properly love on them or impact them in 4 weeks? How is he suppose to get the hint in 4 weeks? I know that if it is meant to be then the Lord will provide a way, He will cross our paths again. I think the hardest thing to do is to lay all your wants, need, and every desire of your heart down at the foot of the cross and turn your back and walk away knowing and having to rely on every ounce of your faith to expect that God will provide and fufill every one of those things according to His will and in His perfect timing. That's a lot to give over and handle all at once. Dear Lord, here is my heavy heart. I do not and can not fathom your greatness. Have fun dealing with that stupid organ that has ridiculous emotions. Love, Amanda. That is the note that I will attach when I lay it down at His feet because in the end, I know that I am not in control. I can not be in control because if I were really in control, I would be in deep trouble. So it's terribly hard for me in this struggle because right now I am in a place where I have some pretty amazing friends that are there for me and love me unconditionally. In this place, I have something that I have never had before and I don't really have him...but, he surprises me everyday. To him, I would say Dear Boy, Here is your hint. Please notice me as more than awesome or rocking because I help you out and do what any good person should do. Notice me because you want to and because you really think I rock and that I'm awesome. Not because I help. Love, Amanda p.S. I think you are pretty awesome and amazing yourself.

Stealing My Heart....

So today as I lifeguarded in the rain for 2 hours I realized that each and every child in the pool, I knew. And then I also realized that I haven't seen any of these kids in 2 years. 2 years ago I met these kids and one little boy in particular named Madden. When I met him he was 4 years old and just the sweetest, yet shyest thing ever. He stole my heart in one day. At the end of that week two years ago, he came to the office and gave me a hug and told me bye. I cried just a little. How could I love someone I met 5 days before hand so much. And today as I was lifeguarding, I notice his dad standing by the pool and immediately I scanned the pool until I found him. He is just the same except he is now half my height, and has broken out of his shell. It made me happy to see him again and even though he didn't remember me..it didn't matter at all about those things. To be able to come back and see how he has grown made me joyful. It's funny how I gave my heart away 2 years ago to a 4 year old little boy that was beyond precious and how even to this day I struggle with keeping my heart guarded. When it comes to boys in general, I like to offer up my heart on a serving platter. And at the point I'm at now I could give this guy all of my heart and not thing twice or even regret it. How do I guard my heart? How do I let him in without giving everything away or pushing him completely out of my life? I guess only time will tell with this guy and hopefully I'll get out with my heart fully intact.

Boys, Boys, Boys

Sometimes I just don’t understand the mindset of the boy. Is it just wired to where we will never understand the way the male mind works? I mean I understand looks are everything to a guy, but when did society beat the fun-sized girl with the “don’t date her” stick and runaway? I mean if you are a Christian boy and claim to want that pure, amazing Christian girl that is earnestly seeking after God and you go for the lukewarm Christian girl that is a little bit skinnier and a little more quirker, well then what the hell? I just don’t understand how this mind process works. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the attraction part and the fact that men think about sex every 2.5 seconds of the day, but geez guys..look beyond boobs and butt and you might just find a completely awesome girl that you have been waiting for your entire life. I don’t believe there will be fireworks or a “feeling” or a calling or supernatural thing. I know it’s a thing that when you know, you just know, but my call is for boys to step up and be men and ask out the girl that no one thinks twice about. Even if it doesn’t work out at least you have given her some hope that not all so called Christian men are just like the secular boys and are just out to get some. Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” So shouldn’t a man be looking for a woman who fears the Lord and earnestly seeks after Him with all her heart? Yes, looks are important, but I don’t think God is saying that is the most important thing there is and truly if you love someone’s personality, couldn’t you eventually fall in love with their beauty. Their inner, spiritual beauty?

LOVE..A Four Letter Word?

1 John 4:18 says, " There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. Whoever loves God, must also love his brother." Reading this verse tonight, something in me clicked. There is no fear in love. There is NO fear in Love. None. Zip. Nada. Fear is a scary thing. There are so many things in this world to fear. Fear of life, death, new beginnings, pasts, presents, people, so many things. But one thing we shouldn't fear is each other. I see it happening in our leadership areas. The people who are suppose to build us up as Christians and show us the "Christ-like" example are scared and fearful of their students. These people can't even bring problems up to their Christian brother. Rather, they would jeopardize someone's character, and future because they were scared. They had fear of the reaction that may come and the damage it may do to their ego. Where was the love in that situation? How is that loving your brother by not presenting your concerns to them? Doesn't the bible say that if we have a problem, or concern that we should present it to our brother before the sun falls, so that anger does not build in our hearts? So I guess my ultimate question is if true love comes from God, and if we have love we are of God, and that if we love God, we also love our brother, does that mean that if I am scared of my brother or how he or she may react to the problem or concern I have that I don't truly know and possess God's love? And personally, how can you lead people and be in a position where people look to you as the Christian example if you don't even know what God's love truly is? How are you truly suppose to love on the lost when you can't even love on the found? People treat love just like it is a four letter word and nothing more. It takes skill and risk to love someone. To truly except every part of their being to the point where you can be so honest with them that it hurts. In order to love my brother, I have to know my brother. I have to talk to him, and want to know him. Otherwise, who am I to judge anything about him and his struggle? Did you catch that? WHO am I to JUDGE that person's STRUGGLE when I don't know ANYTHING about it? If you didn't catch it, you are NO ONE.

Submission: Good Thing or Bad Thing...

Many people see submission as a bad thing. A totally outdated, wife waiting on her husband hand and foot type thing. People think its degrading and wrong, but in all actuality we submit to different things every day. We submit to our government and our influential friends, we submit and give into sin and the things we want most in this world. Feminist see it as a degrading, disrespectful act, when Feminisim is one of the most selfish movements that has no sustainable philosophy, a fabricated history, and an incoherent morality. It does not bring freedom and fufillment for women, and it will not right any injustices. However, that is not the point. I'm not saying, " Hey go out and submit to anyone who has authority over you." Don't get me wrong, I believe there are ceratin lines to draw in a marriage as far as what my husband can tell me what to do and what I can't do and such. Submission is about something greater. It is about submitting to an everlasting God that loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for us undeserving women. Even the feminists. In order to grow and be Godly women, who strive and yearn for everything that the Lord is, in order to be fully caught up in Him and not in the earthly things like being single, and self images that are fakely projected out there as being the only thing that is beautiful, we must submit to Him. Once we submit, His will for our lives will follow and we will become wholly His. And that is the only way to live, being wholly God's. The Lord has already been at work here at camp. He has provided and amazing staff to run this place and is already revealing to me reasons why I need to be here. I just hope and pray that He continues to open up doors, mend and build new reletionships, and that He uses each and every single one of us to our full potential. My prayer is that we can each hold the other accountable and help each other grow to the fullest potential in God, while pouring out everything we have to fufill and glorify Him in every way possible. God has already provided me a great accountability partner, Kendall. She's already amazing and I am so excited to take this journey with her, even if it is only for a short time. The Lord put us both here for a purpose, and we are both looking forward to fufilling it!
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Letting Go

So last night I had one of the hardest talks in my life. For the past few years, i have had this thing for this guy. We shall call him Andy. Thats not his real name and I dont really life anyone named Andy just to clarify. Well Andy adn I have known each other a long time, we have been through ups and downs together, good and bad, everything one could possibly imagine. We both have been selfish in our friendship and both of us have always seemed to want more, but never could find out what more we want. We took things from each other, we gave things back, we cried, we hurt, but most of all we laughed. Andy is someone I have always cared for and always seen as someone I could possibly marry. Someone I could be happy coming home to at night, and having my future children look like. I know that's crazy, but it's the truth. For the last few years, we have had thing on and off thing..this what are we..and where are we going..when is it my turn and last night I let go. We sat and we talked..like we have never talked before. I poured my heart out to him in every way possibly hoping that this attempt would make him realize that I was perfect for him. However, that was not the case. Instead he looked at me and said I love you, but I'm not in love with you and I don't think I'll ever be. You are going to be an amazing girlfriend and wife, but not to me. I'm sorry. SLAP. IN. THE. FACE. He was being honest, which is something I have always asked from anyone who is my friend. If you are honest, atleast it will hurt because you are telling the truth and not lying. So back to Andy, in that moment I have felt more emotion than I have in a long time. To me he seemed like that perfect guy, that one true guy, but in that moment when he told me he could never love me, reality set in. The reality and bigger picture of it is that we are not meant to be. He is my friend, he cares about me and his season in my life is coming to a close. he has taught me many things to do and to not do and he taught me about unconditional love. Regardless of the situation, whether it was bad or good, he never has stayed mad at me, but continuously loved me. Maybe not the way I wanted, but you can only ask for so much in this life. There is a great verse in 2 Samuel 11, and it says " Infatuation is like the morning dew, it will eventually disappear." Andy's dew is disappearing and I for the first time feel closure. Not on our friendship, but on the hope of there being more because in essence I know that there won't be. With this being said, I have choosen to seek after the Lord with everything because until I let go of everything that I am holding onto, I won't have anyting. I'm letting go, of the fear of never being loved, letting go of someone I wanted to love me with every part of there being, but that cant', letting go of my worldly desires and trying to seek after what is right and good and pure. I'm letting go and holding on to hope that the Lord already has Prince Charming picked out for me, and I won't have to want him to love me, He just will. It's a scary thought and on days I know I will fall short because I am human. But the grace of God is overflowing on me always and He always provides for me in the right time. As Bro. T told me today, the grace of God will always meet you where your at.

Back to the Beginning

So I am back at camp...Day One: Learn all the new people's name because technically I am a verteran...I have done this before. I have been down this road. The camp road. The one where your faith is tested everday. The one where you grow to your greatest potential in the Lord. This road is so familar, but yet so different at the same time. I feel like I am starting over again and maybe that is just what I need. A new beginning to refresh and renew. To strengthen my walk again. I also get to live in a house with 8 girls..8. Yes I know...dear lord, please do not let any hair be pulled out or girls tourtured with eyelash curlers. My prayer is that each person on our staff will grow complete in the Lord as much as they possibly can. I pray that my soul is refreshed before I go to the second part of my summer in Shreveport. The Lord always provides and is always faithful. Camp...my second home...my striving place...my heaven on Earth.

Home Sweet Home

I am a new comer to blogging. I love to talk to so I figure this will be just as well. So here it goes...My first post..my very first post. Today, I packed my apartment in Ruston, the home I have known for the last 4..yes 4 years and drove back to New Orleans. I only wanted to kill about 8 people who didnt know how to drive and most of them were in Mississippi. Sorry MS, take your kids to driving school because you stink at it...not the point. I packed, and I drove, and somehow in the span of 5 hours I did not cry. Not one single tear. I have left my home sweet home of the last 4 years to come to a different home. A home that is not what I'm used to. One where I have to talk to my parents on an hourly basis or they think that I am upset...A home where it is okay for my grandmother to come into the house whenever she feels like it, throw open my door and wake me up from my blissful nap and ask me random, insignificant questions that I don't know the answer to. This home is a challenge. I don't know if I can survive or thrive in this home.
A new home awaits though. I got my final acceptance to my new apartment in Shreveport...June 15 I shall sign the lease and pay the money and it is mine. Leaving my apartment today in Ruston was bittersweet...I think of the song If these walls could talk..that song signifies everything that the 104 is and was. It holds all the memories that are near and dear to me. It has seen it's fair share of tears and fights, card nights, throw up, hangovers, sharpies, endless days on the janked up couch with CSI, Gossip Girl Mondays, bible studies, great friendship, new love, and lots and lots and lots of hairspray. I experienced life..real life..good life..in the 104. I experienced how to truly love and care for someone. I experienced frienship beyond all belief and the discovery of Voila Pasta. The 104 became a beckon of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel for someone who didn't want to go home and slept on the couch, for the smashed sisters that could only make it down the road from the party, for people to gather and praise a real, true Almighty God...our apartment was life. Real, true, existing life where people walked in and out and there was never judgement..just open arms, open doors, good music and lots of chocolate. I don't think I could have asked for a better apartment, and not in the sense of this was a nice apartment because it wasn't. The apartment itself was crumbling beneath our feet, but we made it a home..we made it a welcoming place that people enjoyed. If our walls could talk, I'd be scared to think of what they would say...so many memories happened in such a short year that I think our walls may be speechless. I look forward to the next step. The new home. The new memories. But until then, I'll keep you updated in all aspects of my life. Love, Money, Friendship, and anything else I think may be worthy. So hold onto your hats because this is going to be a great ride! Love, A